Muppet of the Week – Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho claimed that the whole world was against him after his Madrid side lost 2-0 to Barcelona at home.  He may well have a point but we think he’s just gone a bit loopy…

The coach was red carded for the ‘sarcastic clap’ – a move that has become the bane of many coaches and players in recent years.  Sending someone off for sarcasm is just one of the many genius rules brought in by UEFA’s brainboxes – see what I did there?

Whereas we sympathise with Jose’s dismissal, we’re here to discuss his muppetness after the game.  In a post-match press conference, the Portuguese somehow allowed the following to leak out of his mouth:

‘I would have been embarrassed to win that title [in 2009] because it was won with the scandal of Stamford Bridge and this one will be won with the scandal of the Bernabeu. I hope one day Josep Guardiola wins a Champions League title as it should be – perfect, spotless, without any scandal.

‘If I say what I think my career ends today. I can’t say what I feel. I only leave one question. Why?

‘I don’t know if it’s to give publicity to Unicef or their power at UEFA. I don’t know if people just like them. I don’t know and I don’t understand. Where does all this power come from? No-one else has a chance really. Why don’t they let other teams play against them? If Barcelona are honest, they know this is happening.’

When pressed further about the second-leg he responded with:

‘We are out.  We will go there with all the pride. Sometimes I feel disgusted living in this world and earning my living in this world.’

The quotes above are just a sample of the full rant but you get the general idea – Mourinho’s lost the plot.  Conceding defeat like a child before the second-leg has got to be the worst mental attitude of a manager anybody has ever seen.

For some reason, the cool Mourinho has vanished and a new, paranoid loser has took his place, we only leave one question Jose – why?

Why has one of the best contemporary managers convinced himself that he’s in some sort of Enemy of the State situation?  I always thought Unicef were a charity, not an undercover government agency.  And what ‘power’ is he referring to?  People have been sent off against Barcelona for the same reasons Barcelona players have been sent off in the past.  Some of those reasons are silly and some are genuine but that’s football.

Perhaps the bitterness stems from when he looks at the 23 year old Lionel Messi, who is now Barcelona’s third top scorer of all time (at 23!) and knows his £80 million pound winger, Cristiano Ronaldo will forever be in his shadow.  Messi could beat Madrid on his own and he basically proved that last week with one of the best Champion’s League goals the competition has ever seen – unless UEFA have biologically enhanced the Argentine’s feet, then there’s no room for a conspiracy to challenge the lad’s ability.

Come back to England oh ‘Special One’ and you’ll fit right in with the rest of the cuckoo managers:  Arsene Wenger backed Mourinho’s idea that Barca are somehow protected and more recently – Sir Alex Ferguson claimed there’s a secret plot to prevent United from winning the title after Arsenal beat them 1-0 at the weekend.

It’s the second-leg of the Champion’s League semi-final tonight between Barca and Real.  Don’t be surprised to see Mourinho in the stands wearing a foil helmet, just in case UEFA can hear his thoughts.

SKY Sports 2/HD2/3D – 7.45pm (Tuesday 3rd May)

…in case you didn’t notice, we’ve combined Muppet of the Week with One to Watch this week out of necessity – there hasn’t been a bigger muppet this week (we couldn’t do Bin Laden because he wasn’t a sportsman, well I think he wasn’t) and there simply isn’t a bigger sporting event to watch than a Champion’s League semi-final, between two of the biggest clubs in sport.  Enjoy!

Team of the Week – Real Madrid

Real Madrid defeated league leaders, Barcelona, in a final that required extra time to be settled.  It’s the first time in 18 years Madrid have won the Copa Del Rey…oh – and Sergio Ramos dropped the trophy from the team bus during the celebrations!

Real Madrid had Cristiano Ronaldo to thank as it was his extra-time header which gave them the victory.  Holding on for the remainder of time was a tough ask for Madrid following Dia Maria’s sending off in extra-time, via two yellows cards.

Iker Casillas was in top form to repel any threat from the great Lionel Messi and anyone else who dared to test the ‘best keeper in the world.’  A goal from the little Argentinean would have been his 50th of the season but it was his nemesis Ronaldo who went on to get the only goal of the game – his 41st this season.

Ronaldo came close on numerous occasions in regular time but Barca’s second-choice goalie, Juan Manuel Pinto, was stubborn between the sticks.  Pinto did get caught sleeping though in the first half but Javier Mascherano saved his skin with a superb clearance off the line, to the dismay of Ronaldo.

Barcelona did manage to find the net in the second-half, only for the goal to be ruled offside.  Pedro was unfortunate to be denied what would have been a great goal after some magical work from Messi in the build-up.  The Argentine was the architect for another major chance just moments later, this time it was Andres Iniesta who failed to beat Casillas.

It was Real’s persistence that ultimately claimed the trophy and their relentless approach to the game certainly got the better of a laboured Barca side.  The game was the second in a quartet of El Classicos over 18 days.

Barcelona won the third derby match 0-2 at the Bernabeu, in the first of two Champion’s League semi-final legs.  Jose Mourinho’s comments after that game have put him in prime position for Muppet of the Week so make sure you check back in for more details next week.

Speaking of muppets – Sergio Ramos somehow dropped the Copa Del Rey trophy from the top deck of Madrid’s parading bus.  The cup was swept underneath the bus and effectively run over, causing severe damage.  We would have named Ramos as Muppet of the Week but his legendary Tweet regarding the incident granted him muppet immunity:

“It didn’t fall, it jumped when it reached Cibeles and saw so many Madrid fans.”

Muppet of the Week – Mario Balotelli (3)

Mario Balotelli has paid over £10k in parking fines and had his car impounded 27 times.  He’s the only person to receive three Muppet of the Week awards from The Sport Report and the season still isn’t over.  In this post, we take a closer look at his ‘unique’ first year in England…

Before the season began, Mario wrote off his £120,000 Audi R8 on the way to training in a smash with a BMW in Manchester.  He’d only just transported the vehicle from his previous home in Milan but wasn’t too bothered about the crash and allegedly turned up for training as normal.

‘Normal’ in Balotelli’s world means throwing darts at youth team players – taking Killer Darts to a whole new level!  He was reported to have excused his actions by saying he was ‘bored’.  If you can get bored playing football all day every day then I suggest you don’t pursue the career of a footballer  Mario – still at least he didn’t shoot anybody eh Ashley?

When he’s not playing Bullseye Extreme at training he’s either punching a teammate or trying to snap Carlos Tevez in half.  Balo had a bust-up with Jerome Boateng because he felt Boateng’s tackle was too rough for a training match, on a separate day, Mario himself was given a Balotelling off by Roberto Mancini for a horror tackle on Tevez.

He was fined for these training incidents and rightly so but he didn’t learn anything.  During a Europa League clash with Dynamo Kiev, Balotelli karate kicked Goran Popov in the chest.  He was sent off, fined and surprisingly not put in jail.  Mario gave a deep, sincere apology following the challenge and actually came across as a bit of a softie.

Soft is one of many suitable adjectives to describe the striker.  He endured an allergic reaction to grass in the first-leg of that Dynamo Kiev knockout round.  The details of the allergy are discussed further by us here but in a nutshell…actually best not use that phrase in case he’s allergic to nuts – to sum up, Balo’s face puffed up and his eyes were stingy!

Our favourite chapter in the Balotelli biography has got to be his epic bib struggle.  During the pre-match warm up for the second-leg of the Kiev tie, the muppet made the task of putting a bib on look like some kind of straitjacket magic trick (Click here to see it).  Those two legs against Dynamo Kiev were no doubt disastrous for the Italian’s reputation.

Then again, his reputation was stupid to begin with.  It’s now been revealed that £10,000 worth of parking tickets have been paid by the striker and Man City officials have had to deal with retrieving his impounded car 27 times.  It doesn’t end there – the police pulled Mario over recently and quizzed the striker on why he had £25k in cash on his front seat when he replied: ‘Because I can.’

It’s a shame Rio Ferdinand didn’t get the chance to knock some sense into the lad at the FA Cup semi-final a fortnight ago because the reality is, Mario Balotelli is not only the biggest muppet in football but the country on a whole…

…oh and Mario – we’re poking fun at you ‘because we can’.