I look at online shopping the same way Danny Dyer looks at drugs – dabble once or twice throughout the year and have a blow out around Christmas time. Christmas shopping is so much easier with some Class A narcotics…I mean classy-online-shopping-usage (phew):

Anybody not using the internet to at least browse, is what I like to call – old. It’s usually cheaper, the stores never close, there’s no queueing up and it’s free to park. Okay, traditional shopping may provide product demonstrations, a burger van between stores and a ridiculous amount of perving opportunities but I’m sticking to the internet. Infinite hot drinks at your disposal, no bags to carry and no bitter, December temperatures to face. There’s really no contest and as for perving, I’ve ‘heard’ the web is pretty opportunistic for that too.

Like Danny Dyer, just make sure your supplier is well known, Amazon for example. Or go direct to the source, Comet/Argos/River Island etc. Avoid any dodgy sites wired on pop-ups and adverts. My strongest advice is not to get addicted, to drugs or shopping online – both can make your eyes bloodshot, make your money vanish and make your friends imaginary.

Please note that I have never taken a drug in a my life, my references were to Danny Dyer…who has taken drugs, in fact – he’s probably taking them right now.

Satellite Extravagation

TomTom Go Live 1000. It’s so good, it will make you nervous to be around. The fluid touch screen is a bare thigh in your vehicle. Touch it. Pinch it to zoom in or scissor your finger & thumb to zoom out (iPhone style).

Her voice is up to true TomTom standard – ascertive but with that successful business tone, which we all find kind of sexy. She’s not a fidget like previous models, no, she sits comfortably in the new easy-click-mount.

Her most intimidating trait though, has to be the brain. Not only does she calculate ever changing infastructure but also traffic, navigating you through the most complicated of roads, right down to the very lane. Whereas other sat navs just utter the lane and expect you to fill in the blanks, Mrs TomTom 1000 provides a detailed 3D image, with a clear arrow indicator.

It’s all in the name of guiding you from that awkward motorway junction, through to the correct exit. No scares, no horns, no unexpected traffic or roadblocks, no multiple laps around the roundabout – just you, her and your route (ahem).

Top 3 improvements:

  • ‘Bear right’ can no longer be misinterpreted for ‘Stay in the left lane, there’s a grizzly on the right.’ The lane indicator is spot on.
  • The click-mount has a hole on the underside, allowing the charger to plug in easily. No disorientated wire, hanging from your dash and dangling about your gearstick – obstructing that ash tray we all use for sweeties.
  • Point of interest menu makes those 118 guys look like pathetic, skinny, losers…wait a minute…they are pathetic, skinny, losers.  Anyway, the menu is packed with everywhere you could be interested in, accompanied with phone numbers and opening times.

Soundtrack to Breakfast

Philips Wireless Headphones. They’re fantastic. I wake up, put them on and it’s like Norah Jones is whispering in my ear at dawn. I wee with them on, usually with a Paul Weller track, That’s Entertainment or something – something a bit gritty in the lyrics and bouncy in the beat, something that doesn’t make hitting the seat seem inappropriate (Norah would be mortified).

I hoovered with the little ear-companions today. For all I know, countless phone calls and door knocks could have occurred. I might have been entitled to inheritance or propositioned by a former school teacher (every boy’s fantasy) but I didn’t care. Tidying up with Newton Faulkner is so much easier.

I’m going to wear them to my wedding, why not? Metallica would be interesting.

The birth of my first baby. It would be like a scene from Friends with a bit of U2 in the background.

I wonder if anyone would mind if I wore them to funerals. It would help hold in the emotions if Freddie Mercury was having such a good time, having a ball, in my head. What if I wore them to my own funeral? Of course by then they’d be an integral part of my character, nobody would look twice:

‘Ah, I remember Rob and his headphones at my birthday party. Didn’t like my techno music too much but made a sensible compromise with those things and came to every party since. What a selfless lad.’

My favourite thing about them is when my parents go to sleep, I can still watch a Blu-Ray in bed, with the volume cranked up. No wires to choke on and they are pretty comfortable, so I could definitely get away with a headphone snooze.

I’m so used to them now I fear not only for the posture of my ears, but also whether I’ll even realise they’re on my head when getting a shower. So this could be my last post. Play whatever song you like at my funeral, I’ll sort myself out.